Why dating “guy gamers” turned out to be a bad idea


Sure, it seems fun at first.

Mostly because it’s comfortable. Every night is like a pajama sleep over that ends in sex. That’s the American Dream. That’s before spending every night in playing League of Legends or Assassin’s Creed gets really, really boring.

I dated a lot of men who considered themselves “gamers”. Why? Low self esteem, mostly. I knew a lot about games and enjoyed playing them. And that interest was a “hook”. Something that men could relate to and feel comfortable talking about. I didn’t feel like my personality and looks alone was enough to generate any real interest (and as a teen I was probably right). My focus was being good enough for them with no question as to whether they were good enough for me.

Now obviously this is all based on my personal experience and my friends. There are always exceptions. However, if you feel you’re the exception to any of this, just feel content in that. I don’t need to hear about it and honestly if you can’t control your impulse to convince me that you’re the special-special than you’re probably exactly the type of guy I’m talking about.  Consider this constructive criticism from the opposite sex. So here are a few observations about dating “guy gamers”…

They lack real world motivation.

I have found that most of the gamers I dated did little else but game exclusively. They were not well rounded people with different interests. Cooking, sports, politics (unless it’s about gaming), art, fashion, music (unless it’s video game remixes), travel, are not as interesting to them as the latest DLC on Steam.  Most of the men I dated never went to college for anything unless they attempted to do something in games. But all attempts fail, inevitably. Everything is too hard, too complicated, they work too much or sleep too little. Excuses abound.

This becomes a problem when you want to go out and do real world things. Take a walk, go dancing, go to the library, go to the beach it’s all just too much effort for a gamer boyfriend. I hope you have a really tight-knit circle of friends because you’ll be seeing them a lot while your boyfriends at home raiding.

They don’t take care of themselves.

You may have a varying level of interest in your health and appearance, but in my experience guy gamers just don’t bother. I’m not saying they’re unhygienic, but they’ve had that gigantic t-shirt since high school. Cargo shorts, socks with holes in them, the dreaded trench coat of Doom. You have to beg them to get a hair cut or just shave every now and again. Try not to swoon ladies. Sure, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover but do try to make an effort, lads. It shows us you give at least [1] fuck.

Not to mention their health. They may be your scruffy, Aladdin-esque street rat today. But a lifetime of sitting on their butts and a junk food diet is going to wreak havoc on their bodies in the next 10 years. This isn’t a dig on bigger men as they’re sometimes the most loving and supportive. But add bad skin, greasy hair, breathing problems, and uncontrollable sweating into the mix and…yeah. It’s not cute.

They don’t take any interest in real world issues.

This one is self explanatory. Politics of any kind is unknown to them unless it’s relevant to gaming. They may have read a lot as a kid, but rarely do now. They don’t do much of anything anymore. So once you’ve exhausted the latest gaming news you’re left to contemplate if everyone else’s boyfriend is this boring.

They all say they want to make/write/animate games but never do.

God, this. What does a person who takes no interest in anything except games plan on doing with their lives? Why making games of course. Except the reality is game development is fucking hard, expensive and lacking a lot of the glamour they think it will bring them. Here’s a tip, unless he’s in the actually programming and development phase of the game by the time you’ve met him- he’s probably just a dreamer. The older you both are, the more true that statement rings. Don’t get pulled into his fantasy about how he’s going to eventually hit the big time. Odds are he probably wont make it past drawing concept art.

They’re way more sexist than they think they are.

Strap in, kiddies.

This is a common problem with men raised on a steady diet of “save the princess” story lines. If he labels himself a “gamer” he probably considers himself part of an exclusive, insular community. Of men. Not you, you’re not actually part of that. He’ll say you are- but not treat you that way. Actions > words. Unless he actively addresses the treatment of women in  gamer culture in conversation, there’s a good chance he’s on other side of the fence. The other side being so impossibly self centered he’d never take those complaints seriously.

This usually manifests in one of two ways:

1. ) He’ll put you up on a pedestal. It feels nice at first, getting treated like a princess. Until you realize he’s got you set up to fail. To him you’re like a glorious hot chick trophy to be paraded out to his friends, “AND she plays games” he’ll say in the same tone one might say, “AND it has a cup holder”. Enjoy holding in all your farts for the remainder of your relationship. When you inevitably exhaust yourself trying to keep up he’ll sputter a vague complaint about how, “you’ve changed”. He can’t put his finger on what it is, but the magic is gone. And so goes that relationship.

2.) The other and more common one is he’ll expect you to be “just one of the guys”. This means you need to be covertly female. You need to play games like his friends, eat like his friends, talk like his friends all while balancing being casual and hot. You need to be sexy while also dressing in a way that doesn’t indicate that you’re trying too hard. You need to be bold and swear like a sailor but never EVER call him out on anything in front of his friends. Be attractive, but don’t take too long getting ready or you’ll give yourself away.

And most importantly never ever ever align yourself with other women in gaming. Do not talk about Anita Sarkeesian. Do not complain about the way women are designed in games, always except that the amount of harassment you get online is normal and understandable considering how super sexy you are. Consider it a compliment and shut up.

If you do complain, get ready for a circle jerk of men (including your boyfriend)  interrogating on every detail that will end in you giving up and them laughing the whole thing off.  I know, right? Where do I sign up!?

They think they’re the hero.

What I took away from my experience of dating guy gamers is a consistent theme of being “the special”. He wont say it, he wont even imply it- because the protagonist never does. It has more to do with the way he reacts to situations. It’s as if playing the hero of so many different stories has imprinted this idea of their super specialness. He’s waiting for the adventure of his life to drop into his lap, for someone to swing through a window and tell him only he can fight the alien invaders that are about to conquer Earth.

Or perhaps he’s just so afraid of real world challenges that it’s easier to immerse himself in a world that’s set up to accommodate him. It doesn’t really matter because overall the result is the same for you: a crappy, self-centered boyfriend who treats you like an NPC in his adventure.

It’s not all their fault.

I would love for it to just be that gamers make shitty boyfriends, the end. Easy peesy. But no, we as women play a role in why these types of relationships suck so much. In my case it was because I came into it with such low self-esteem I was incapable of calling them out on any of it. Not that my ex boyfriends would have responded well to that, but not everyone is so lacking in self awareness.

The takeaway here is that it’s okay to have expectations of your boyfriend. Some guys just don’t put forth any effort and you’re not being mean when that doesn’t impress you. It’s doesn’t make you “high maintenance” or “shallow”. Because a lot of gamers subscribe to the idea that you should love them for exactly who they are. Not taking into the account that normal people are driven to grow and evolve- not stagnate on a couch. So the next time you’re on a date and the guy says he’s a gamer, it’s important to remember what all comes with that. Learn from my mistakes, ladies. It’s okay to dump a loser.

Advertisements

The Feminist Gamer Tidal Wave


It’s no secret to anyone who runs in the communities I do (nerds, gamers, reviewers) that something is indeed amiss. Social changes are often sparked by one large, public event that sparks an outrage- that seems to trigger a host of other events. Enter Anita Sarkeesian. If you don’t yet know about Anita and the controversy surrounding her kickstarter project. Feel free to fill yourself in:

• Tropes Vs. Women In Video Games Vs. The Internet – Rock Paper Shotgun
• This Week In Harassment – The Borderhouse Blog
• Kickstarter Video Project Attracts Misogynist Horde – The Escapist
• Tropes vs Movie Bob – The Big Picture, The Escapist [VIDEO]
• Feminist Frequency Kickstarter project smashes target – Games Industry
• Awful Things Happen When You Try to Make a Video About Video Game Stereotypes – Kotaku

Now that we’re all caught up, I think we all sort of know – on some level, anyway- that video games have sexist representations of women. That’s not really debatable. And for those of you who will invariably choose the “men are objectified too” route. No… just, no. Get your facts straight, and then rejoin the conversation. We’ve all debunked this argument more times than is necessary and we’re moving on. But I think many were legitimately shocked at the harassment, death/rape threats and so on. I wasn’t really shocked- it’s that kind of retarded behavior that keeps me from bothering with XBOX Live. And I mean “retarded” in the most literal of terms- as in “completely stunted“. I’ve never known a person with developmental disabilities to use the phrase “uppity Jew cunt”.

I think as nerds/gamers we think we live in a futuristic community that is somehow above this kind of behavior. Like misogyny is regulated to Bro culture and frat parties. Clearly we’re far too smart to participate in this kind of Neanderthal shit, right? That was our bubble, and it got burst. And then it got better.

Crystal Dynamics walks onto the scene with quite possibly the worst timing in gaming history. They had redesigned Lara Croft to be less sexualized and had been given a pat on the back from modern society. Then unfortunately took two steps back, fell down the stairs and promptly shit their pants. After Sarkeesian showed us that some gamers are extremely sexist, Crystal Dynamics proved that even those who are trying are fucking up due to a complete lack of understanding. At least that’s how I see it. The Tomb Raider thing doesn’t come off as malicious to me, just ignorant. Which is almost worse because it’s easier to defend. Ya dun fucked up, C.D. It’ll be okay, but maybe you should like… talk to women before you try to flesh out female characters.

By the time the new Hitman trailer waltz in to the party- 2 hours late and wearing only a sign that says “MAKE ME A SAMMICH”- everyone was ready to fucking kill. I don’t even need to break down whats wrong with it. You either get it or you don’t. And really, it’s not any worse than most games that have been coming out for years, it just came out at the best time to be a perfect example of the level of sexist bullshit in gaming. No worse, just the status quo.

And if you’re extra local to this neck of the internet, you’ll know all about the uproar that happened at TGWTG. If you are a fan, then you already know. If you aren’t- you probably don’t care. moving on)

We’re collectively discovering something about ourselves. It’s difficult- for nerds especially -to accept that something about the status quo is fucked. That a facet of our community is really destructive. Not just to the outside world, but to us personally. Over the last couple weeks I’ve seen all manner of reactions. Some completely agree that it’s an issue and are standing with female gamers. Others are striving to find any tiny crack in the argument. This is frustrating, but at least these guys are being coherent. Pro tip, gentlemen: you’re not right. Just let it go. It’s not like anyone is blaming you directly, no one is calling you a misogynist pig. We were all raised in a culture that created this mindset, we’re all at fault, so do yourselves a favor and don’t take the criticism so personally.

The last group was inevitable: unabashed, juvenile temper tantrums. This is the sub group of nerds/gamers who just have no coping skills- they cannot tolerate any form of criticism. Mostly dispensing the same “FUCK YOU BITCH, GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN” joke that hasn’t been funny “BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT” was funny and that was never funny. These are the true man children of our community. I’m actually reminded Tom Green in “Freddy Got Fingered”** screaming “Look Daddy, I’m a farmer!” as he jacks off a horse. It’s the knee jerk reaction of someone who simply cannot cope and has to react by simply becoming what they are accused of being. “Oh so I’m an asshole? Well I guess I’ll just be an asshole then!” he shrieks as he throws his toys around the playground.

I really hate the modern idea of “It’s the internet, what do you expect?” that’s such a cop out. It gives a free pass for real people to participate in hate speech, death threats, and insane misogyny without any social consequences. What do I expect? I expect a little more out of those who consider themselves superior to Bro culture. I expect you to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a little bitch. There’s a problem, so why don’t you put on your big boy pants and do something about it? Or you can sit here in the sandbox and whine. The rest of the nerds are going to join the 21st century.

** Don’t watch Freddy Got Fingered, just watch the review by Nostalgia Chick, Nella and Oancitizen. I’m not a monster, people.