Why dating “guy gamers” turned out to be a bad idea


Sure, it seems fun at first.

Mostly because it’s comfortable. Every night is like a pajama sleep over that ends in sex. That’s the American Dream. That’s before spending every night in playing League of Legends or Assassin’s Creed gets really, really boring.

I dated a lot of men who considered themselves “gamers”. Why? Low self esteem, mostly. I knew a lot about games and enjoyed playing them. And that interest was a “hook”. Something that men could relate to and feel comfortable talking about. I didn’t feel like my personality and looks alone was enough to generate any real interest (and as a teen I was probably right). My focus was being good enough for them with no question as to whether they were good enough for me.

Now obviously this is all based on my personal experience and my friends. There are always exceptions. However, if you feel you’re the exception to any of this, just feel content in that. I don’t need to hear about it and honestly if you can’t control your impulse to convince me that you’re the special-special than you’re probably exactly the type of guy I’m talking about.  Consider this constructive criticism from the opposite sex. So here are a few observations about dating “guy gamers”…

They lack real world motivation.

I have found that most of the gamers I dated did little else but game exclusively. They were not well rounded people with different interests. Cooking, sports, politics (unless it’s about gaming), art, fashion, music (unless it’s video game remixes), travel, are not as interesting to them as the latest DLC on Steam.  Most of the men I dated never went to college for anything unless they attempted to do something in games. But all attempts fail, inevitably. Everything is too hard, too complicated, they work too much or sleep too little. Excuses abound.

This becomes a problem when you want to go out and do real world things. Take a walk, go dancing, go to the library, go to the beach it’s all just too much effort for a gamer boyfriend. I hope you have a really tight-knit circle of friends because you’ll be seeing them a lot while your boyfriends at home raiding.

They don’t take care of themselves.

You may have a varying level of interest in your health and appearance, but in my experience guy gamers just don’t bother. I’m not saying they’re unhygienic, but they’ve had that gigantic t-shirt since high school. Cargo shorts, socks with holes in them, the dreaded trench coat of Doom. You have to beg them to get a hair cut or just shave every now and again. Try not to swoon ladies. Sure, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover but do try to make an effort, lads. It shows us you give at least [1] fuck.

Not to mention their health. They may be your scruffy, Aladdin-esque street rat today. But a lifetime of sitting on their butts and a junk food diet is going to wreak havoc on their bodies in the next 10 years. This isn’t a dig on bigger men as they’re sometimes the most loving and supportive. But add bad skin, greasy hair, breathing problems, and uncontrollable sweating into the mix and…yeah. It’s not cute.

They don’t take any interest in real world issues.

This one is self explanatory. Politics of any kind is unknown to them unless it’s relevant to gaming. They may have read a lot as a kid, but rarely do now. They don’t do much of anything anymore. So once you’ve exhausted the latest gaming news you’re left to contemplate if everyone else’s boyfriend is this boring.

They all say they want to make/write/animate games but never do.

God, this. What does a person who takes no interest in anything except games plan on doing with their lives? Why making games of course. Except the reality is game development is fucking hard, expensive and lacking a lot of the glamour they think it will bring them. Here’s a tip, unless he’s in the actually programming and development phase of the game by the time you’ve met him- he’s probably just a dreamer. The older you both are, the more true that statement rings. Don’t get pulled into his fantasy about how he’s going to eventually hit the big time. Odds are he probably wont make it past drawing concept art.

They’re way more sexist than they think they are.

Strap in, kiddies.

This is a common problem with men raised on a steady diet of “save the princess” story lines. If he labels himself a “gamer” he probably considers himself part of an exclusive, insular community. Of men. Not you, you’re not actually part of that. He’ll say you are- but not treat you that way. Actions > words. Unless he actively addresses the treatment of women in  gamer culture in conversation, there’s a good chance he’s on other side of the fence. The other side being so impossibly self centered he’d never take those complaints seriously.

This usually manifests in one of two ways:

1. ) He’ll put you up on a pedestal. It feels nice at first, getting treated like a princess. Until you realize he’s got you set up to fail. To him you’re like a glorious hot chick trophy to be paraded out to his friends, “AND she plays games” he’ll say in the same tone one might say, “AND it has a cup holder”. Enjoy holding in all your farts for the remainder of your relationship. When you inevitably exhaust yourself trying to keep up he’ll sputter a vague complaint about how, “you’ve changed”. He can’t put his finger on what it is, but the magic is gone. And so goes that relationship.

2.) The other and more common one is he’ll expect you to be “just one of the guys”. This means you need to be covertly female. You need to play games like his friends, eat like his friends, talk like his friends all while balancing being casual and hot. You need to be sexy while also dressing in a way that doesn’t indicate that you’re trying too hard. You need to be bold and swear like a sailor but never EVER call him out on anything in front of his friends. Be attractive, but don’t take too long getting ready or you’ll give yourself away.

And most importantly never ever ever align yourself with other women in gaming. Do not talk about Anita Sarkeesian. Do not complain about the way women are designed in games, always except that the amount of harassment you get online is normal and understandable considering how super sexy you are. Consider it a compliment and shut up.

If you do complain, get ready for a circle jerk of men (including your boyfriend)  interrogating on every detail that will end in you giving up and them laughing the whole thing off.  I know, right? Where do I sign up!?

They think they’re the hero.

What I took away from my experience of dating guy gamers is a consistent theme of being “the special”. He wont say it, he wont even imply it- because the protagonist never does. It has more to do with the way he reacts to situations. It’s as if playing the hero of so many different stories has imprinted this idea of their super specialness. He’s waiting for the adventure of his life to drop into his lap, for someone to swing through a window and tell him only he can fight the alien invaders that are about to conquer Earth.

Or perhaps he’s just so afraid of real world challenges that it’s easier to immerse himself in a world that’s set up to accommodate him. It doesn’t really matter because overall the result is the same for you: a crappy, self-centered boyfriend who treats you like an NPC in his adventure.

It’s not all their fault.

I would love for it to just be that gamers make shitty boyfriends, the end. Easy peesy. But no, we as women play a role in why these types of relationships suck so much. In my case it was because I came into it with such low self-esteem I was incapable of calling them out on any of it. Not that my ex boyfriends would have responded well to that, but not everyone is so lacking in self awareness.

The takeaway here is that it’s okay to have expectations of your boyfriend. Some guys just don’t put forth any effort and you’re not being mean when that doesn’t impress you. It’s doesn’t make you “high maintenance” or “shallow”. Because a lot of gamers subscribe to the idea that you should love them for exactly who they are. Not taking into the account that normal people are driven to grow and evolve- not stagnate on a couch. So the next time you’re on a date and the guy says he’s a gamer, it’s important to remember what all comes with that. Learn from my mistakes, ladies. It’s okay to dump a loser.

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