I’m not on board with Fat Acceptance and Here’s Why

Fat Acceptance as a concept has always seemed like a great idea to me. As someone who grew up overweight and gradually became obese, I know the sting of body judging all too well. It’s also no surprise that this movement has worked in tandem with 3rd wave feminism to break down our culture’s fixation on women’s bodies. So as a feminist, I see why it’s needed and important. Because simply by existing these people are committing two unforgivable societal sins: being fat and being female. This relegates them to the outskirts of society, unrepresented in our media beyond the headless fatties on the news with captions that read: “IS AMERICA EATING ITSELF TO DEATH?!”

We need to see fat women. Fat women exist. We need to see them living life, dressing the way they want, and feeling confident. The core of Fat Acceptance is restoring fat people’s humanity and in this way it has my full support.

I’d like to specify that I’m speaking about Fat Acceptance as expressed by white women. In my experience, the Fat Acceptance movement is made up almost entirely with women who are white and middle class. Women of color have their own brand of Fat Acceptance, but I’m not familiar with it and therefore can’t comment.

But then I see articles like this recent Buzzfeed list.


Just to clarify: this woman is not fat.

I can see that this article is well-meaning. Bikini season is approaching and it’s a time of anxiety for a lot of women. Many of us struggle to lose weight fast enough in order to fit in (literally) while others feel left out completely, accepting baggy t-shirts as their only option.

In reality, these types of articles are extremely patronizing. They infantilize grown-ass women by telling us that we’re all special and all beautiful. This is, of course, impossible. When everyone is special, being special becomes meaningless. Same with beauty.

Now beauty is complicated. Certainly no one is arguing that fat people don’t have inner-beauty. Unless you’re one of those sad sacks over at fatpeoplestories on Reddit, in which case: what the fuck are you doing with your life?

But the issue I take with this Buzzfeed article is what seems to be a growing trend within the Fat Acceptance movement. The claim that fat people’s bodies are inherently as attractive as thinner, healthier bodies. Beauty is a broad concept and is not the same as sexual attractiveness.

Obviously, there is a spectrum of being overweight. Being a little curvier or having some extra fat is trivial and rarely interferes with people’s attraction. Women are beginning to celebrate curvier frames more in recent years and that’s good. But there’s a limit. There comes a point where fat begins to overtake your body. It hangs and sags, hiding your real curves and facial features. Especially if you’re short like me, being obese can completely consume your appearance. At my highest weight I can barely recognize myself.

And that just isn’t sexy.

There is a growing denial in Fat Acceptance about beauty standards. It is difficult to argue against the Fat Acceptance claims against of traditional beauty standards. Beauty standards are problematic. Yes, our culture is undeniably hateful toward fat bodies. Yes, women are the main target of this hate and are scrutinized within an inch of our sanity. Our bodies are a social battleground and that is beyond fucked up. It has to stop.

But the answer is to take control of our bodies, not to cover up the problem with airy platitudes like, “real women have curves” or “men like something to hold onto!” These are emotional band-aids that need to be ripped the fuck off.

The hard truth is that being obese makes sexual relationships more difficult. Stamina, joint problems, blood flow – all of these become relevant. Does your stomach hang over your genitals? Doubly so. What your partner probably won’t tell you is that these are all barriers that make attraction a struggle. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you. This does mean that your inability to control your weight will make sex harder.


Neither is she.

It’s strange to me that so many people who talk about “body positivity” do so without a single thought for the negative affects of being fat. Please don’t send me your essay about Health at Any Size as I find the entire concept to be intellectually bankrupt. If you’re looking to be the magical fat unicorn that’s perfectly healthy at 350lbs, odds are you aren’t that unicorn. Focusing on the legend of such people actually does a lot of damage to others in the long run. Because, in the real world, most people who are obese are that way due to an unhealthy lifestyle. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to rationalize that you’re healthy at any size than to reevaluate your habits. I know, I’ve been there.

You may think you’re sending out positive messages to those who need help salvaging their self-esteem in a world full of fat hate. And to some that’s exactly what you’re doing. But what we don’t see are the people who are addicted to food and covering with Fat Acceptance ideals. There are people in the Fat Acceptance movement who are killing themselves slowly with food and sedentary living while others applaud and tell them they’re flawless. There is- and I’m being totally serious here– an ongoing search by Fat Acceptance activists for doctors who will ignore weight problems when treating illness. Those doctors are then reviewed favorably online and passed around to others who have been “fat shamed” by their doctors.

Just in case you haven’t noticed: that’s fucking insane. If 5 doctors tell you that your weight is a contributing factor to your health problems, the answer is not to find another doctor. This avoidant behavior is at the core of where Fat Acceptance has gone off course. It’s blatantly ignoring health, to the detriment of it’s own community, in order to create an accepting environment. What’s shocking to most is the best example of this is in the Pro-Ana movement.

Pro-Ana (also called “Thinsperation” or “Thinspo”) is objectively heartbreaking to anyone outside of its community.img_1610

Young women support each other in their search to starve themselves in the name of Fashion, beauty, and a feeling of control. They give each other tips, tricks and even help each other hide their disorder from family and friends. It is both the completely opposite of Fat Acceptance and its greatest parallel. Feminists have condemned Thinspo as degrading, horrific and a symptom of living in a world where women’s worth is based on their dress size. Women everywhere cry out, “This is awful! How could she think this is sexy? Can’t she see she is hurting herself?” And they’re right. Regarding the physical component of sex drives- bodies that are physically unhealthy or malnourished aren’t as attractive as healthier bodies.

These women take their weight to extremes which objectively hurts them. Yet the Thinspo community eagerly jumps to their defense, swaddling them in a blanket of comforting platitudes, reinforcing their feelings with validation. They are enablers, just as addicts of all sorts enable others.

On the other side, Fat Acceptance communities are doing their version of the exact same thing. They create online communities that encourage people to accept their bodies without any knowledge or consideration of their health. A popular saying with this crowd is, “You can’t look at someone’s size and know their health”, which has a grain of truth but it goes both ways. No, you can’t always know if an overweight person is healthy or not. They could, in fact, be dangerously overweight. They could be only a few years from losing their mobility or even a limb to diabetes. But the need to enable each other overrides any health concerns. Perhaps it’s easier to get behind Fat Acceptance because of its foundation in feminist thought. Pro-Ana is a clear example of damage caused to women by living in a patriarchal culture. It sends the strong message, “This is what happens when men control women’s bodies.” Fat Acceptance, in theory, should be about women taking back that control.

I’ve noticed that the vast majority of people in Fat Acceptance are young women, mid-twenties to early-thirties. Very few men, unsurprisingly. These women are at an age where serious weight-related maladies may have not yet presented. The decline of their health may not be fully apparent yet. Unfortunately, the reality is that it’s only a matter of time and both Thinspo and Fat Activists need to realize the limits of the human body…

You can get to a point where you are too old and unhealthy to fix your body. People can, and do, get stuck. Some damage is unrepairable. There is nothing feminist or empowering about becoming trapped in your body. Nothing at all.

WomanFeminists want equality. But that also includes taking responsibility for ourselves and accepting reality. We can’t demand equality while expecting everyone to pretend that someone who appears unhealthy is as sexually attractive as someone who takes better care of themselves. It’s the same thinking that leads adults to tell their children that they can be dinosaurs when they grow up. These placating white lies are meant to soothe egos but ultimately only infantilizes women, keeping us in a place of inferiority. The trade off for equal treatment is that we can’t expect to be handled with kid gloves. Thems the breaks.

I still firmly believe that Fat Acceptance at it’s core is a positive movement. I’d like to see it move away from comforting platitudes about sexuality and focus on the capabilities of fat people. I want to support those efforts to humanize and to push for representation. You have a right to take care of yourself as much or as little as you want, no one can force you to gain or lose weight. But I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it’s sexy when you don’t care for yourself, it isn’t. We are grown ass women who can handle ourselves, and it’s time we act like it.


12 thoughts on “I’m not on board with Fat Acceptance and Here’s Why

  1. Good points. I’ve been talking about this movement in our society with my girlfriend. There is a reason people who are living active healthy lifestyles are often more sexually attractive. Of course we shouldn’t shame ourselves and others over some winter fat gain or a little pudge, but why isn’t it okay to recognize an unhealthy trend and recommend healthy action?

  2. At a certain point, physical appearance and physical health are undeniably, objectively in a sad state of affairs. While every person has value as a human being and a unique and interesting story to tell, we also have to be able to tell someone the truth. If the reality is “your weight is causing you to be dangerously unhealthy” according to multiple doctors, probably the last thing you need to hear is “don’t listen to them!” That urge to find a community that tells you that everything is fine no matter what and does nothing to encourage changes in behavior is not a positive community. It sounds somewhat like Alcoholics Anonymous without the goal of anyone drinking less alcohol. If the road to recovery – individually or as a society – involves anything, it involves honesty about the state of the problem. It would be a shame for anyone’s life to get cut short because a “support” community encouraged inaction under the guise of “acceptance.”

  3. Great points! And, thanks for sharing – very brave of you!
    The problem with society today is that it tends to present how everything is okay. Well, it is not.
    And, as you point out, if everything IS okay, then OKAY becomes meaningless.
    In my humble opinion, we need to focus on health and wellness to regain balance in our lives.
    Thank you forthe great post! Write on!

  4. Very interesting article.

    I notice that alot of the body acceptance/fat acceptance movement should fill people – well mostly women – with more confidence in their lives. My question is, does it actually accomplish that?

    We can tell people to be proud of their bodies, weight, ect, but if isn’t increasing their romance, love, and dating options is it selling them false hope?

    I suggest that the fat acceptance movement is too much about self-esteem, rather then self-compassion. If you ignore your problems, they are still there.

    In the end, I hope everyone finds that fulfilling life they desire, but that’s alot harder to do when one is overweight or obese.

    • Brilliant point about self-esteem versus self-compassion. Self compassion in terms of weight, to me, means taking the time to take care of myself. Walking away from my long to-do list and exercising or otherwise taking care of my physical health. I’ve been obese, and there was nothing self-compassionate about it and no amount of faux self-esteem could have patched up the physical and emotional pain that it caused.

  5. This is so sensible on many levels. It takes courage to speak out against the Fat Acceptance Movement/Body Positive Movement/HAES and the members living in denial and not fear the backlash and hatred. Your courage is commendable.

    Whilst I won’t deny that fat people face torment of some truly horrid people, it’s gotten to the stage where everything is labelled fat shaming if people voice their honest opinions, even if insults against the overweight are not intended.

    Apart from the horrific tormenters, the reason other people appear to dislike the FAM/Body Positive/HAES activists isn’t so much because they’re fat. It’s the denial, defeatist attitude, excuses, lack of accountability and victim mentality they dislike. They aren’t wrong.

  6. Those women with photographs subtitled as “not fat” are probably in a overweight range already associated with poorer health conditions than women with less body fat, regardless of the preferred short label. The same would apply to men with the same levels of body fat, and to a greater extent, as women naturally tend to have fat deposits in physiologically safer places than men.

    And yes, they can feel healthy and be physically active, and there would even be a good number of people with less body fat that are nevertheless less healthy (health benefits of physical activity come waaay before than loosing any fat, and actually physical activity barely works to loose fat — eating less is the sure way to loose fat, with exposure to cold temperatures apparently being also more efficient than exercise). Notwithstanding, higher body fat levels in general would still be associated with increased odds of health problems, when you rule out differences in levels of exercise and genetic predispositions.

    • My point is that when we’re having a discussion about people who are dangerously overweight that this is not the level of size we’re talking about. These women are curvier yes, but ultimately not putting themselves at risk by being that size as long as they maintain a relatively healthy lifestyle.

  7. Your article in a nutshell:
    Fat women should be accepted by themselves and others when they are no longer fat.
    I support fat women’s efforts toward acceptance and empowerment, but fat women are also deluded, unhealthy, and ugly, and anyone who finds them acceptable, lovable, or sexually desirable is just enabling them toward an early death. I approve of some of the fat acceptance movement, but it would be better if it didn’t exist and if no one was fat, especially women.
    True feminists eat right, exercise 3-5 times a week, and understand that controlling one’s body is one of the most important things about being a healthy feminist.
    I am a fat woman. I am extremely aware of my health risks and problems thanks, in part, to people like you who vomit judgy, pretentious bullshit like this, claiming you accept all people while simultaneously shaming them as a way of exerting control over their bodies.
    I watch my diet very closely. I work with a therapist and support group on compulsive eating. I walk 2-3 miles 3-5 times a week and have lost significant weight, but I’m still fat; still unacceptable and disgusting to most of society, not feminist enough for you. I struggle to be accept myself, because the rest of society sure as fuck won’t. It is the most self-annhialating double-bind to be told YET AGAIN that i’m worthy of acceptance but not quite truly acceptable until my belly doesn’t sag, my breasts reduce in size, my core is firm, my genitals are smaller, and I don’t have PCOS, or pre-diabetes.
    You’re little come-to-jesus blog, couched in contrived empathy, rings hollow because it is fueled by a certain level of self-hate. It is the very worst kind of false concern because it isn’t about acceptance or empowerment at all. It’s about judgement, power, and control over those you deem unfit.
    There are very effective ways to empower others around their health and acceptance of themselves. It includes novel ideas like meeting them where they are at that time in their lives, accepting them without judgement FIRST, and then including them in your world and the world at large.
    Oh, and one more thing, you nitwit. There are men out there who adore fat women. My boyfriend is very sexually attracted to my body. He loves my belly, my breasts, genitals and everything about me. THAT’S indicative of the kind of acceptancr helps me feel more confident. That’s the kind of acceptance that helps motivate me to do more sit ups, go for another walk, and avoid overindulging. When he looks at me fully acvepting, or has sex with me, the millions of hateful, judgemental, self-loathing voices like yours disappear. My dear sister, you can go fuck yourself because you’re probably the only one who will.

    • It seems like you’ve read a lot of hate and scathing into my article that wasn’t there. You also seemed to have completely missed the main point in lieu of framing this as more of an anti-feminist attack on fat women. I can’t really respond effectively as you’ve already made it clear you don’t respect my opinion or thoughts. Taking that into consideration I wonder why you bothered to right this angry comment in the first place.

      Why do I need to know that your boyfriend finds you sexually attractive? Why do I need to know how much you exercise you take or how healthy you eat? It’s absolutely none of my business. If you’re secure in yourself than my “come-to-Jesus blog” as you call it should mean little to you. But instead you’ve defensive detailed how you’re not the type of person I’m writing about here. Who are you trying to convince? It certainly shouldn’t be me, someone you don’t care about or respect. That just leaves you.

      Don’t bother attacking my own sex life as I couldn’t give less of a fuck.

  8. Someone had to counteract you. It might as well be me.
    I question whether you really understand what it’s like to be fat your whole life or to have a sex life while fat (or maybe the thought disgusts you, like most people), so I featured my body and my sexual enjoyment as a way to counter your apparent naivete when it comes to the reality of having a sex life when fat. It is possible to be fat and working on health while also demanding acceptance, equality and an active sexuality.
    It is ignorant to assume that it must be hard to have sex when one is fat because the belly might hang down past one’s genitals, that one’s partner must be uncomfortable with you, but is surely sparing your feelings, and that having sex when you’re fat means you must be in pain.
    That’s just not true, but it is a common way to invalidate the sexuality and sexual empowerment of fat women.

    “The hard truth is that being obese makes sexual relationships more difficult. Stamina, joint problems, blood flow – all of these become relevant. Does your stomach hang over your genitals? Doubly so. What your partner probably won’t tell you is that these are all barriers that make attraction a struggle. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you. This does mean that your inability to control your weight will make sex harder.”

    For some maybe, but not for me it doesn’t! And, what’s more is that I’m well on my way to your implied state of feminist body care and vague ideal of “health”. Your generalizations perpetuate hateful myths without actually empowering anyone who reads your article to actually change, or to reconsider the dangers of blind acceptance of being fat.

    “We can’t demand equality while expecting everyone to pretend that someone who appears unhealthy is as sexually attractive as someone who takes better care of themselves.”
    Oh, really? Being universally attractive is extremely naive. How is being fat/overweight/obese automatically a game ending factor in whether or not fat women can ask for equality? What?? How can being fat be universally unattractive when there are people out there who prefer big women?

    “But I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it’s sexy when you don’t care for yourself, it isn’t. We are grown ass women who can handle ourselves, and it’s time we act like it.”

    And what of fat women who take care of themselves, but haven’t quite made it to acceptably thinner health? Are we not deserving of equality? Have we not qualified yet as feminists or human beings? Are we to deny ourselves the experience of healthy sexuality and pleasure because the implied truth is that everyone “knows” it’s a challenge to be sexually attracted to fat women? How are you not perpetuating a self-destructive myth about who gets to enjoy sexual relationships when you imply and infer that fat women are deluded and enabled by the fat acceptance movement into believing that they are attractive? What’s so wrong about trying to accept yourself and embody your sexuality regardless of your size? Why must accessing this natural gift of sexuality and relationship be contingent on what you deem sexy?

    “You have a right to take care of yourself as much or as little as you want, no one can force you to gain or lose weight. But I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it’s sexy when you don’t care for yourself, it isn’t. We are grown ass women who can handle ourselves, and it’s time we act like it.”

    Go ahead and shame the fat acceptance movement for dangerous messages and behaviors that enable people to engage in self-destructive behavior, but quit targeting fat women with shaming messages that only legitimize the thought that we are inherently unacceptable and sexually undesirable. How dare you perpetuate the myth that fat women need to lose weight before you or society allow them to be sexually empowered, desired, or accepted.
    I mean, honestly, you wrap your article up with statements alluding to a live and let live, non-enabling stance, and yet, your entire article is about how fat women are being blinded by fat acceptance and they simply must receive your grand insight about how they could never be attractive the way they are; that they are being duped by a movement perpetuating lies, that they cannot realitically ask for equality unless they do what you imply is right and healthy, while also stating that no one should force them to do anything about weight and health, but, y’know, you’ll make sure that we hear your truthful wisdom about how it’s “just not sexy when you don’t care for yourself” – namely by being too fucking fat.
    Whatever good you intended with this article by exposing dangerous messages in the fat acceptance movement, has been severely clouded by what seems to be an inability to focus on the culprit, and passing judgement on fat women’s inability to be healthy (thin). Recognizing your own internalized shame about size and sexuality woyld go a long way toward preventung you from projecting that in your off-center article.

  9. FWIW, i came across your article while engaging in the impossible sesrch for other voices of empowerment regarding fat, health, and sexuality. What a disappointment. If you want nothing but glad-handing from the internet, post something empowering with kittens.

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