Why dating “guy gamers” turned out to be a bad idea


Sure, it seems fun at first.

Mostly because it’s comfortable. Every night is like a pajama sleep over that ends in sex. That’s the American Dream. That’s before spending every night in playing League of Legends or Assassin’s Creed gets really, really boring.

I dated a lot of men who considered themselves “gamers”. Why? Low self esteem, mostly. I knew a lot about games and enjoyed playing them. And that interest was a “hook”. Something that men could relate to and feel comfortable talking about. I didn’t feel like my personality and looks alone was enough to generate any real interest (and as a teen I was probably right). My focus was being good enough for them with no question as to whether they were good enough for me.

Now obviously this is all based on my personal experience and my friends. There are always exceptions. However, if you feel you’re the exception to any of this, just feel content in that. I don’t need to hear about it and honestly if you can’t control your impulse to convince me that you’re the special-special than you’re probably exactly the type of guy I’m talking about.  Consider this constructive criticism from the opposite sex. So here are a few observations about dating “guy gamers”…

They lack real world motivation.

I have found that most of the gamers I dated did little else but game exclusively. They were not well rounded people with different interests. Cooking, sports, politics (unless it’s about gaming), art, fashion, music (unless it’s video game remixes), travel, are not as interesting to them as the latest DLC on Steam.  Most of the men I dated never went to college for anything unless they attempted to do something in games. But all attempts fail, inevitably. Everything is too hard, too complicated, they work too much or sleep too little. Excuses abound.

This becomes a problem when you want to go out and do real world things. Take a walk, go dancing, go to the library, go to the beach it’s all just too much effort for a gamer boyfriend. I hope you have a really tight-knit circle of friends because you’ll be seeing them a lot while your boyfriends at home raiding.

They don’t take care of themselves.

You may have a varying level of interest in your health and appearance, but in my experience guy gamers just don’t bother. I’m not saying they’re unhygienic, but they’ve had that gigantic t-shirt since high school. Cargo shorts, socks with holes in them, the dreaded trench coat of Doom. You have to beg them to get a hair cut or just shave every now and again. Try not to swoon ladies. Sure, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover but do try to make an effort, lads. It shows us you give at least [1] fuck.

Not to mention their health. They may be your scruffy, Aladdin-esque street rat today. But a lifetime of sitting on their butts and a junk food diet is going to wreak havoc on their bodies in the next 10 years. This isn’t a dig on bigger men as they’re sometimes the most loving and supportive. But add bad skin, greasy hair, breathing problems, and uncontrollable sweating into the mix and…yeah. It’s not cute.

They don’t take any interest in real world issues.

This one is self explanatory. Politics of any kind is unknown to them unless it’s relevant to gaming. They may have read a lot as a kid, but rarely do now. They don’t do much of anything anymore. So once you’ve exhausted the latest gaming news you’re left to contemplate if everyone else’s boyfriend is this boring.

They all say they want to make/write/animate games but never do.

God, this. What does a person who takes no interest in anything except games plan on doing with their lives? Why making games of course. Except the reality is game development is fucking hard, expensive and lacking a lot of the glamour they think it will bring them. Here’s a tip, unless he’s in the actually programming and development phase of the game by the time you’ve met him- he’s probably just a dreamer. The older you both are, the more true that statement rings. Don’t get pulled into his fantasy about how he’s going to eventually hit the big time. Odds are he probably wont make it past drawing concept art.

They’re way more sexist than they think they are.

Strap in, kiddies.

This is a common problem with men raised on a steady diet of “save the princess” story lines. If he labels himself a “gamer” he probably considers himself part of an exclusive, insular community. Of men. Not you, you’re not actually part of that. He’ll say you are- but not treat you that way. Actions > words. Unless he actively addresses the treatment of women in  gamer culture in conversation, there’s a good chance he’s on other side of the fence. The other side being so impossibly self centered he’d never take those complaints seriously.

This usually manifests in one of two ways:

1. ) He’ll put you up on a pedestal. It feels nice at first, getting treated like a princess. Until you realize he’s got you set up to fail. To him you’re like a glorious hot chick trophy to be paraded out to his friends, “AND she plays games” he’ll say in the same tone one might say, “AND it has a cup holder”. Enjoy holding in all your farts for the remainder of your relationship. When you inevitably exhaust yourself trying to keep up he’ll sputter a vague complaint about how, “you’ve changed”. He can’t put his finger on what it is, but the magic is gone. And so goes that relationship.

2.) The other and more common one is he’ll expect you to be “just one of the guys”. This means you need to be covertly female. You need to play games like his friends, eat like his friends, talk like his friends all while balancing being casual and hot. You need to be sexy while also dressing in a way that doesn’t indicate that you’re trying too hard. You need to be bold and swear like a sailor but never EVER call him out on anything in front of his friends. Be attractive, but don’t take too long getting ready or you’ll give yourself away.

And most importantly never ever ever align yourself with other women in gaming. Do not talk about Anita Sarkeesian. Do not complain about the way women are designed in games, always except that the amount of harassment you get online is normal and understandable considering how super sexy you are. Consider it a compliment and shut up.

If you do complain, get ready for a circle jerk of men (including your boyfriend)  interrogating on every detail that will end in you giving up and them laughing the whole thing off.  I know, right? Where do I sign up!?

They think they’re the hero.

What I took away from my experience of dating guy gamers is a consistent theme of being “the special”. He wont say it, he wont even imply it- because the protagonist never does. It has more to do with the way he reacts to situations. It’s as if playing the hero of so many different stories has imprinted this idea of their super specialness. He’s waiting for the adventure of his life to drop into his lap, for someone to swing through a window and tell him only he can fight the alien invaders that are about to conquer Earth.

Or perhaps he’s just so afraid of real world challenges that it’s easier to immerse himself in a world that’s set up to accommodate him. It doesn’t really matter because overall the result is the same for you: a crappy, self-centered boyfriend who treats you like an NPC in his adventure.

It’s not all their fault.

I would love for it to just be that gamers make shitty boyfriends, the end. Easy peesy. But no, we as women play a role in why these types of relationships suck so much. In my case it was because I came into it with such low self-esteem I was incapable of calling them out on any of it. Not that my ex boyfriends would have responded well to that, but not everyone is so lacking in self awareness.

The takeaway here is that it’s okay to have expectations of your boyfriend. Some guys just don’t put forth any effort and you’re not being mean when that doesn’t impress you. It’s doesn’t make you “high maintenance” or “shallow”. Because a lot of gamers subscribe to the idea that you should love them for exactly who they are. Not taking into the account that normal people are driven to grow and evolve- not stagnate on a couch. So the next time you’re on a date and the guy says he’s a gamer, it’s important to remember what all comes with that. Learn from my mistakes, ladies. It’s okay to dump a loser.

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32 thoughts on “Why dating “guy gamers” turned out to be a bad idea

  1. I don’t think the problem was necessarily that you were dating gamers – it was that you were dating losers. 😉 That having been said, your description of this particular variety of loser is spot on. (I speak from experience.)

  2. “I’d love to hear about your short stories. Everything sounds so interesting, maybe we could grab a bite to eat together. I bought this new outfit the other day, so we should eat somewhere nice. We should try out that Russian place, it seems to be doing pretty badly just because of racism and the news, but the people and food are great! Is there anything else you’ve been wanting to try lately?”

    All it takes is a shave, some new clothes, and yelling out “OBAMA!!!” every one in a while? Hah….

  3. If you’re not interested in actually having a relationship, why BE in a relationship? This is an issue with loser guys (and girls) in general; I suppose the sex drives makes you yearn for the companionship, or at least the sex, but ultimately, you need to grow past the whole “fuck buddies” stage, and start being partners that help each other develop throughout life. Too many people of the Gen X/Y/Millenials generation seem to be stuck in this perpetual/extended adolescence. Yeah, there’s extenuating circumstances supporting that, economy and all, but it basically comes down to this:

    If you’re the sort of person who wants to play video games all day, every day, fine. It’s your life. But don’t expect other people to cling to you for it. Make peace with that, and learn to like being single. Some people just aren’t cut out for relationships, and they need to realize that about themselves.

    • I came to grasps with this when I was young, I lack the social skills to date. Video games are the only thing that makes me happy anymore. Girls used to make fun of me all the time, from elementary school all the way up to High-school. I don’t want to be some guy a girl settles for, I’d rather just feel good about who I am and leave the responsibility of creating the next generation of losers to everybody else.

      • There’s… a lot to unpack here. It’s not really my business or responsibility to set your straight but god damn, bro.

        1.) “I lack the social skills to date.” People aren’t born with social skills. You can learn them at any age, that’s why they’re called “skills”.
        2.) “from elementary school all the way up to High-school.” These years. Mean. Nothing. Literally 1/8th of your life MAYBE. You can’t judge how you’re going to be treated by how you were treated when we were all barely functioning half-people.
        3.) “leave the responsibility of creating the next generation of losers to everybody else.” If the entire point of life was procreation you MIGHT have a point. Luckily, it isn’t. Also you sound very bitter.

        I recommend you go see Dr. Nerdlove. He’s written extensively about this topic and guys just like you. That’s all I can say, man. Good luck.

  4. Pingback: You’ve Never Had A Friend Like Me | Everybody's Dracula

  5. Wow… At first, this article kind of just… hurt my feelings. But that just means that some of it, if not all of it, must ring true to who I know deep down I’ve been allowing myself to be. This was a massive reality check. Guess I needed it. Thanks.

  6. Wow, did we date the same guys? You hit the nail on the head. Years after the fact, it’s still great to see an article like this that totally nails that awful phase I went through. Thank you.

  7. Seem to me that you were dating boys and not actually men. There is a difference between these two, also your description of yourself (low stem…etc.) i think thats part of the failure. You need to choose your partner not the other way around . See both sides before crossing the street girl 🙂

  8. It’s actually a great and useful piece of info. I’m glad that you
    simply shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us informed like
    this. Thank you for sharing.

  9. I found this quite healing . For the past months I was in emotional limbo . Dating a gamer is one thing , and I agree my gosh with 99% of the things you wrote so accurately. But dating a gamer who is a successful professional as well, is the epitome of emotional doom. They think they are the most exceptional people in this fake oh so surface world , and as long as you are their new excitement they will do anything to give you the illusion that you are the one and so are they . Once the chemical reactions of the new excitement for their boring rotting life called crush go away /most of times due to nonsense reasons such as fights , jealousy, over reacting or I don’t know global warming , they will go away and erase you faster than it takes them to erase a game that got old news from their freaking ram. Gamers can be fun but same time can be a dangerous choice since literally speaking they find comfort in being such introverts that all they need is be alone , maximum with a ridiculously small circle of friends around the globe, also finding it healing and lets admit it , easier to live in a virtual world . In my case , add some spicy words first weeks , epic mind games as well as extreme ups and downs in whether they want to accept that reality oh hello kicks in and not everything can be always positive but relationships need work and commitment , and the gamer will do exactly what he enjoys his whole miserable life doing : play . With consoles , with feelings , with you along with possibly 10 other chicks , usually over the Internet. Freaking sociopath/etic/ introvert pieces of human emotionsless shit.

  10. So the point to take away is: don’t date losers and don’t date shallow people. This pretty much applies to both sexes IMHO.

    But one thing ladies: men aren’t supposed to be your entertainment. If your partner spends an unhealthy amount of time with his hobby, say so at the start and define what is supposed to be time spent together. But demanding that you do something together and then spending it watching a chick-flick is neither fair nor reasonable, since his presence on the sofa has no real purpose other than him being bored to death. And unless he’s unemployed, that’s two hours of very precious recreation time. You’ll lose a man’s respect very quickly if your demands for “time together” is squandered this way. If you get bored and expect your partner not to be boring then the problem is exclusively with you, because after a while you already know everything there is to know about that guy. So please, don’t be childish, every successful married couple knows that you can’t expect your partner to provide entertainment on a regular basis. You get a hobby if you want entertainment, not a relationship.

    Going out is cool and all, but do have in mind how utterly devastating that can be in someone’s savings after five years. Because that money will be sorely and bitterly missed once it’s time to settle down and have a family. Enjoying life is great and all, but for the vast majority of the working class, you can’t really afford much if you don’t save your money before having kids.
    But your mileage may vary. going to the library and meeting other friends is a good choice. Meeting friends at a bar and everyone pays a round to each other is not a good choice.

  11. Sharks that don’t swim don’t breathe. Next time don’t reward the loser for doing nothing but also protect yourself by establishing what you want first and foremost rather than allowing them to fall into your self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you dated the exact same guy (hopefully) a few times across multiple relationships and then decided to write an article about all men in that category to make yourself feel better about enabling those relationships in the first place.This article reads like you are getting mad at General Electric because their stoves kept burning your hand after the fact that you continually put your hand on the hot stove of your own volition.

    • I took responsibility for my part in these relationships and encouraged others to do the same. Assuming you read it it’s odd to see you gloss over that.

  12. Thank you. I just ended it yesterday with my now gamer ex-bf. He’s the second gamer I dated. And so far they both suck! #1 fits your entire article perfectly. I ended it because like you said I have too much to do in my life verses waiting around for him to stop playing video games, and get out of the virtual world. I dumped that loser, too.

  13. Hi! I stumbled upon your post as I was curious if you had a case that was similar. Me and my boyfriend play League and there was a player on the other team that happened to be really bad. I noticed the player had a girls name (also a celebrity name) and my boyfriend commented that the player may be a girl. Later on after the game, I commented how that player seemed new and wasn’t skilled in that champion and my boyfriend said “That player was so bad, I guess she really was a girl”. So I actually got on him about this cause it really bothered me that he said, because that player was bad they were a girl. Is this not sexist?… When did it become okay a person to say “Oh they must be a girl, cause she’s bad”… He would never say the latter, “Oh they must be a guy, cause she’s bad”. He thinks he’s not being sexist. Any thoughts?

    • Hi Jess,
      Yes. You’re boyfriend is being sexist. That’s pretty much the definition of sexism. If you were to look up sexism in the dictionary it would have a comic of this event. I can see how there this would really irritate you, I mean it’s not just sexist, it’s also totally stupid.

      However, people are multifaceted and complex. I don’t want to write him off and say he’s just some misogynist tool, you’re obviously dating him for a reason. Then again, behavior like this should prompt anyone to take a good look at their partner to analyze just why you’re with them in the first place.

      What this him just being thoughtless and lazily going along with dumbass stereotypes?
      Or is this how he really feels deep down?
      Does he think this way about you and just doesn’t say it?
      Would he take you seriously if you pushed to him to analyze his statement? How would he react?

      That last one is important. Because in my experience that’s when you really see the inner workings of your partner’s mind. Sometimes we find we REALLY don’t like what we find. And then we’re faced with the difficult question… do you we really want to be with someone who thinks that way?

      Sorry to hear your boyfriend being such a bag of dicks. Hugs and Kisses!

    • It has literally been there all the time. Do you not drive? Literally, 80% of times some weird bullshit happens on the road that is highly illogical – somebody is driving extremely slowly on the fast lane, somebody is driving AGAINST the traffic, somebody is parking ridiculously bad – 80% (or more) of those times, these are women.

      Not all women are bad drivers, of course not. A lot of them probably drive better than a lot of guys. But don’t mix up statistical facts and actual sexism. Sexism would be ‘she’s a woman, therefore she can’t drive well’. While “this person is driving weirdly, 80% of those cases happen to be woman behind the wheel, therefore, there is a high chance that this is a woman’ is something completely different. This is pure logic and there is nothing wrong with it.

      It is just like saying ‘85% of high-speed traffic accidents are caused by male. Oh, I see a bad accident. Probably a male has done something stupid.’ is not sexist in any way. It’s just stats

  14. Guys like you describe are addicted, because of the feeling of power and control games give them, and life does not, if they don’t make a shitload of effort to master something that actually matters to the world.

    Still, I think you should have a broader view on things, before having the final judgement. The bad thing is most man are analytical, and if there is some weird behavior, it is usually very-well explained, and not some emotional stage in their lives. And this is bad.

    On some dull wednesday, can you give the glamour of his favorite game studio releasing a game he has waited on for 4 years? No, you cannot. To you it is just ‘he prefers a random game to me’ and feel insulted. Yet, the game is not random – not at all. Do you know how game making happens? Because I do. I’ve applied and left a game studio. It is FREAKING hard. So, that ‘random’ game is actually the lives of more than 200 people for the last 4 years. It is the amazing work, of some of the best technical and art people in our time, creating something amazing through blood, sweat and tears.

    You want to compete with that for attention? Good luck. It is not a fair competition, nor one you should expect to win. Sex and doing cool stuff together and getting to know each other lasts for a limited time. You will eventually run out of new things to do together. The more effort you both put in it, the more you’ll delay it. But it will happen and you know it.

    I really fear for how are thing going to turn up. I am having the ‘unfair’ competition problem as well – I am forcing myself to try and find stuff to do with my girl, instead of ‘give in’ to the temptation.
    But it is hard. I am skilled at programming and creating digital stuff, it makes me appreciate creative stuff like games/books/high-effect movies EVEN more.

    It is incredibly unfair to women. The ‘best of creative people’ in the world vs the poor girl, that has to be downright amazing to compete for attention. Let’s face it, most girls are not amazing.

    And imagine, boys can get the best of the best with close to zero effort, but a smart, nerdy and beautiful girlfriend actually would require you actually being smart, nerdy and good-looking too.So it is much much harder to get in a relationship like that and sustain it.

    And they are getting more and more. I have a lot of friends, that actually prefer living alone and free and having some casual sex from time to time through an online hookup, than investing the time, attention and care of sustaining a relationship. For them, it is just not worth the deal – the girl is usually interesting the first N months, and then fades away in the list of cool stuff to do. I’ve had this experience several times now. Girls have just lost their ‘oh so cool! so amazing’ and ‘I’do everything to be with her’ status. Especially when the best of the best is always ready, always available.

    Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge part of me that thinks this is highly unfair and very,very wrong. But as always with men, there is a rational side to it and it is a freightening one.

    • The premise that men are analytical and rational by nature it a cultural myth. So let’s just get that out of the way.

      “On some dull wednesday, can you give the glamour of his favorite game studio releasing a game he has waited on for 4 years? No, you cannot. To you it is just ‘he prefers a random game to me’ and feel insulted.”
      The insult comes from the fact that when MY favorite games come out, I’m able to- and expected to– balance that exciting release with the rest of my life and relationships. And they’re not.

      “Do you know how game making happens? Because I do.” I’m actually a game developer. I’ve worked with several different developers and done voice acting for games so… YES. I know how game making happens. Please try to be less condescending next time.

      “Let’s face it, most girls are not amazing.” Neither are most men, and yet we’re supposed to put down our controllers and hang out with them. That’s privilege for you. What seems are hard to men if just an average day in LadyLand.

      • If your favourite studio pops out a game, a sane man – a gamer even – will understand you and give you the time and space to enjoy the game. That’s what I’d do and at least a few people I know’d be happy to do. Especially if your career is in this direction, games are a big part of your life.

        I really don’t get the part “But I chose to do this for you, so you should choose the same too!” part. Choosing to abandon something that really excites you just to go to yet another brunch with his friends is something you *chose* to do. Why are you setting the rules? Why not request for the personal space you obviously desire, from time to time? Especially if your other half does this? Why *choose* to compromise on something and then ask for the same?

        it is a balancing act indeed, I just don’t see why girls are happy to ‘compromise’ something and ‘go with the flow’, when it isn’t actually needed at all.

        I am asking these questions not because I frame you for something you have or have not done – I don’t really know that, I am really curious to see a lady’s perspective here.

        He can have his brunch with his guys and you can enjoy your game – you’d both be much happier when you meet later that day. Why not do it this way?

      • I don’t remember setting the scene that the problem was a game getting released and losing touch for a few weeks in the excitement, that’s pretty normal and happens to female gamers too. What a lot of women experience from these men is a perpetual state of that. Where the disinterest, lack of motivation and ambivalence doesn’t end a couple weeks after a release, it’s a state of being. This article is about men who don’t invest in their real lives or relationships because they’re too busy grinding in virtual worlds.

        “I just don’t see why girls are happy to ‘compromise’ something and ‘go with the flow’, when it isn’t actually needed at all.”
        That’s why I say that girls are not totally blameless in these circumstances. The problem is often really aren’t happy to go along with it. But we’re trained from and early age to feel we have to. A big part of women’s life is trying to unlearn shitty, submissive, behaviors. Because ultimately it breeds intense resentment that could be avoid had we just stood up for ourselves in the first place.

  15. Thank you so much.
    Experienced the same during last year, had suspicions, didn’t understand what’s really going on.
    It all hits me now.
    Wish I would read this article before.

    Your writing is great.

  16. I agree with this artical on some parts but i disagree on how she accuses all gamers as no life’s and for some reason were getting this stereo typical fat gamer from South Park image. That’s like calling a black guy a criminal and all women are gold diggers which is just plain bias and ignorant.

    What you need to realise is that there are billions of gamers all of them aren’t like this person and almost every guy and girl in this day and age has played a game whether it’s on mobile, computer, handheld or console.

    You also need to take into account that there are tons of different kinds games spanning many different genres not just the typical competitive first person shooter there are all sorts of games like rpg’s, fighting, sports, open world, plaformer, adventure, action, strategy, party, simulation, mmo, puzzle, point and click, story tellers and much more.

    Gaming is an art-form it’s not suppose to take over your life it’s suppose to entertain you just like with reading a book and watching tv which is even more unproductive as your not interacting at all and there a lot of people that watch tv for long hours.

    So why do people choose not to do anything with there lives it can be many things not just that game or tv like not having self control set yourself a limit if your playing an online game, immature there’s a reason why some of these games have ratings as younger people are more likely to get addicted to it or a mental issue such as anxiety and depression.

    I’ve been into gaming all my life and i still am. I would play games for long hours and somedays i wouldn’t game at all but as i grew more mature and older i had more control over my self and paid attention to more important things like studying a course at college, getting a job, pursuing my dreams. And i bet you studied a gaming course at college and my answer to that is nope i hate maths, suck at drawing and programing.

    I rather be a funny YouTuber like Pewdiepie, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Ssniperwolf, Dashie, Boogie2988, Smosh Games and KSI who all are gamers and nothing like that person you described. What’s most important in a relationship is communication and being open minded. If your not going to talk things out you’ll get no where in that relationship. Also i and plenty of other people that are gamers love to travel and i work out and take care of myself.

  17. I agree with this artical on some parts but i disagree on how she accuses all gamers as no life’s and for some reason were getting this stereo typical fat gamer from South Park image. That’s like calling a black guy a criminal and all women are gold diggers which is just plain bias and ignorant.

    What you need to realise is that there are billions of gamers all of them aren’t like this person and almost every guy and girl in this day and age has played a game whether it’s on mobile, computer, handheld or console.

    You also need to take into account that there are tons of different kinds games spanning many different genres not just the typical competitive first person shooter there are all sorts of games like rpg’s, fighting, sports, open world, plaformer, adventure, action, strategy, party, simulation, mmo, puzzle, point and click, story tellers and much more.

    Gaming is an art-form it’s not suppose to take over your life it’s suppose to entertain you just like with reading a book and watching tv which is even more unproductive as your not interacting at all and there a lot of people that watch tv for long hours.

    So why do people choose not to do anything with there lives it can be many things not just that game or tv like not having self control set yourself a limit if your playing an online game, immature there’s a reason why some of these games have ratings as younger people are more likely to get addicted to it or a mental issue such as anxiety and depression.

    I’ve been into gaming all my life and i still am. I would play games for long hours and somedays i wouldn’t game at all but as i grew more mature and older i had more control over my self and paid attention to more important things like studying a course at college, getting a job, pursuing my dreams. And i bet you studied a gaming course at college and my answer to that is nope i hate maths, suck at drawing and programing.

    I rather be a funny YouTuber like Pewdiepie, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Ssniperwolf, Dashie, Boogie2988, Smosh Games and KSI who all are gamers and nothing like that person you described. What’s most important in a relationship is communication and being open minded. If your not going to talk things out you’ll get no where in that relationship. Also i and plenty of other people that are gamers love to travel and i work out and take care of myself.

  18. Hit the nail on the head and pretty much described my current relationship with my boyfriend. But, I chose to say yes when he asked me out. He was my best friend first so I knew what I was getting myself into. Were both teenagers, so I think theres still room to learn to balance things and grow up. I dont like clingy relationships so this is okay for me, I guess. Barely hear from the guy more than twice a week. We are both playing games, but not the same ones. The only thing that bothers me is, its like he expects me to love him for whatever he chooses to do, like not putting in an equal amount of effort and time into the relationship. Sadly it probably won’t last very long.

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